When Students (or Staff) Are Grieving
There was a tragedy in the life of one of our four-year-old students, recently. His mom died. His whole world was turned upside down in an instant. No one can fix that. A loving Aunt and Grandmother stepped in to help him. But a few months later and his life is still in turmoil. How long will it be? Who knows.
My middle daughter died seven plus months ago and I am still occasionally being taken on that wild roller-coaster ride. Yes, his cognition at four-years-old is not the same as an adult’s awareness of life and death. However, that does not make it easier for him, or any of his family members. His whole family has been upended, changed, shifted in new ways and different directions.
Why do horrible things happen to people? Raising the question reminds me of a book published in 1981, When Bad Things Happen to Good People written by Harold Kushner. He wrote this book after he suffered the loss of his teenage son. His perspective of the how’s and why’s of his loss was very different from mine. He had to deal with a shakeup in his conservative rabbinical beliefs.
When Sheila was born, a pastor told me to stop asking the question of why we had a daughter with a disability and to ask myself what I’m supposed to learn from her birth. It shifts your perspective. Rabbi Kushner states it a little differently. He states, “One of the crucial shifts that we need to make, is from 'Why did it happen?' to 'What do I do now that it has happened?'”
Four-year-olds are notoriously bad at philosophical and theological thoughts and discussions. It is up to the adults around him, including in his school, to find ways to help him as he and his family grieve for the loss of his mother, their daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, etc.
The first thing we need to understand is that this child is not going to “get over it,” in a short period of time. Depending on the support he and his family get it may be months to years before he “gets over it,” or puts it into perspective.
What do we need to learn to say to anyone grieving a loss?
First—don’t make assumptions about how someone is feeling
Second—apply the KISS principle (keep it simple stupid)
Third—validate their grief
In other words...
Don’t Say This: 1. “I know just what you’re going through.” You cannot possibly know this. Everyone’s experience of grief is so very different and unique to them and their lived experiences.
Do Try Something Like This: 1. “Can you tell me about what this has been like for you?” Once you’ve asked this question, remain silent. Wait for it… Keep waiting… Wait a bit longer… Yes, it may take a while before the child or family member starts talking. For young children, a trained therapist who has other media to help a child is important—consider counseling as a recommendation.
Don’t Say This: 2. “You must be so angry.” It is really doesn’t help to tell people how they must be feeling or how they ought to feel. It is far better to ask them. During grief so many different feelings are flying through the brain at different times, it feels like you are on some kind of wild roller coaster. Later, the feelings flying at you from so many different directions will slow down, even stop, to be triggered at a moment’s notice later. This process is different for everyone. Make no assumptions about another’s path or journey through grief.
Do Try Something Like This: 2. “Most people have strong feelings when something like this happens to them. What has this been like for you?” Again, pause. Don’t try to fill the silence. Either the child is struggling to formulate what they want to say, they just can’t put it in words yet, or they do not feel safe to say something. Don’t rush the process. With the young child use an informal, play setting, or use art supplies, while—again, a trained therapist has an arsenal of strategies that can help.
Don’t Say This: 3. “This is hard. But it’s important to remember the good things in life, too.” The grieving person knows it may be important to remember good memories, but this kind of statement is more likely to stop true expressions of grief, at least with you. When people are grieving, it’s important they be allowed to experience and express whatever feelings, memories, or wishes they’re having.
Do Try Something Like This: 3. “What kinds of memories do you have about the person who died?” Or “Are you able to share a memory of your loved one with me?” Talking when grieving may not come easily, especially with younger children. There are some excellent early learning and early readers books on death and dying. A children’s librarian is an excellent resource for these books.
Don’t Say This: 4. “At least he’s no longer in pain.” Efforts to “focus on the good things” are more likely to minimize the student or family’s experience (see above). Any statement that begins with the words “at least” should probably be reconsidered. No probably about it. Reconsider your statement if it starts with “at least.”
Do Try Something Like This: 4. “What sorts of things have you been thinking about since your loved one died?” (Also, instead of using the phrase “your loved one,” use their name! Using a phrase is depersonalizing and could be found hurtful to the person grieving.) Look at any of the above three suggestions. Silence can be golden; it allows the busy brain of the griever to slow down and formulate their thoughts.
Don’t Say This: 5. “I lost both my parents when I was your age.” Or “My dog died last week. I know how you must be feeling.” It is not useful to compare losses. So, please, refrain from comparing your losses with those of students, staff, or their families. These types of statements may leave children feeling that their loss is not as profound or important. Keep the focus on grieving children and their families.
Do Try Something Like This: 5. “Tell me more about what this has been like for you.” Or “I know how I’ve felt when someone I loved died, but I don’t really know how you’re feeling. Can you tell me something about what this has been like for you?” I truly cannot imagine the pain of loss of a parent as a child. It is not an experience I have had. However, in losing my daughter—even though I knew early on an early death was inevitable—her loss was devastating. It was the single biggest crisis in my life. I would not want someone else minimizing or invalidating my pain—and that is what statement 5 is doing. Again, remember silence is your friend. Give the child or young person time to formulate a response. Maybe the child doesn’t want to talk to you or doesn’t feel safe. Pushing them to respond is not going to help.
Don’t Say This: 6. “You’ll need to be strong now for your family. It’s important to get a grip on your feelings.” Grieving children are often told they shouldn’t express their feelings. This holds children back from expressing their grief and learning to cope with these difficult feelings.
Do Try Something Like This: 6. “How is your family doing? What kinds of concerns do you have about them?” No child needs to be strong for their family. The child is a child, they need to be supported and taught how to cope with life’s vicissitudes. It is up to the adult to do the adulting and for the child to be a child. However, teenage and some pre-teen children are likely to try and take on adulting if the adults around them are dysregulated. The child may try to step up because they see the dysregulation in the adult. It is up to nurses and social workers in the school setting to acknowledge there are needs the child cannot and should not have to cope with.
Saying nothing at all to the grieving student is not helpful either. Make your statement, give them time to respond or not and let them know you care.
One of my favorite books is the Tomie dePaola book: Nana Upstairs & Nana Downstairs, he shares a tender story of love and care for an elderly relative through the eyes of a young boy named Tommy. We see Tommy helping his grandmother care for his 94-year-old great-grandmother, and the close bond he shares with both women. When his great-grandmother (and later his grandmother) dies, the story shows Tommy’s reactions to the deaths of these beloved family members.
There are resources for educators regarding student grief.
There are also links to reading lists
For younger children:
https://www.charisbooksandmore.com/death-and-dying-books-children
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/childrens-books-death-grief_l_5fa38deec5b660630aee43fd
For older children:
https://www.weareteachers.com/childrens-books-about-death/
https://elunanetwork.org/resources/top-5-grief-books-for-children-ages-13-17
https://www.centerforloss.com/bookstore-category/for-adults/books-resources-to-help-kids-teens/
Death and dying is something that happens to all of us. We experience it with our friends and families and eventually we will be faced with our own death. Despite the commonality of death, we are a society that does not in general cope well with it. Be honest with yourself. How comfortable are you with the thought of the death of your parent, child, lover, friend, co-worker, etc.? I knew for years that it was likely our middle daughter would die before my husband and me. When it happened, I was totally unprepared. Your brain can know what your heart cannot fathom. Death can be longed for when it is someone who has been suffering for years and at the same time be a blow.
There are sometimes such paradoxical emotions evoked by the death of a certain person. If you have experienced a challenging relationship with a family member their death can evoke feelings of relief and rage at the same time. Sometimes these are the deaths that can be most challenging in the process of letting go. This is one of the reasons it is so important not to bring your feelings into the matter when supporting others.
When death happens within the school setting, examine your own feelings, remember you bring certain skills to the table—remind admin of this fact, coordinate with admin and any other team members involved in setting up support. Look to outside resources—a browser search will pullup all types of support for children and families. Some of them specialized to certain diagnoses or military deaths, etc.
From: https://www.graduateprogram.org
Websites, Organizations, and Books
National Education Association: Grief and Loss Resources for Educators and Students
American Psychological Association’s Find a Psychologist tool
64 Children’s Books About Death and Grief from What’s Your Grief?
What about the 4-year-old I mentioned in the first paragraph? He was a staff induced frequent flyer to the nurses’ office in the beginning of the year. All little complaints involving behavior that “was not typical for him” according to staff; so, they were sure he was sick. It came to a head in January and our nurses on his site were finding his mom very difficult to deal with. One day late in the month she called the nurses office and apologized, stating that she was dealing with a lot. Within days she passed away.
The child is in a more stable living environment that does not have the chaos and other big emotions from parent and siblings. Staff are not bringing him to the nurses for “behaviors” as frequently as in the beginning of the school year. The family is beginning to cope with the loss of mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin. The child still has moments of challenging behaviors, but everyone is beginning to do a better job of managing his behavior and managing their own reactions. Life is moving forward for everyone involved.